u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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