she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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