First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
