This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
