you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
