Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
