I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
