i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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