My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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