She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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