need another drink. this is the easiest way
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
