so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
