And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
