he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
