My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
