i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
