then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
