Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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