im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
