we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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