He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
