i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
