I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
