The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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