Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
