theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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