so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
