Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
