Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
