What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
