I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Randomize
