y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
