I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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