come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Shame is for Republicans.
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