My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
