Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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