I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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