Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm at about main and main street
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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