I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
bring money and cleavage
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
