I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
