this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I didn't notice because vodka
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
