dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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