I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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