tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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