I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
