i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
