It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
