Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
