i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
