I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
