You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
